Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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