she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
