No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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