You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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