I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
