Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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