I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
