I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
