break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
