i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
A bitchslap is in order.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize