sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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