On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize