Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
