The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I just found puke in my bra..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
