HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
