why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
