My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
