Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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