can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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