Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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