Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
