You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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