Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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