I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
