Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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