i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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