I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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