Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
