well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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