You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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