New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
