I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
