is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
