Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
