i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
