Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
