did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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