Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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