im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
