All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
