That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
