So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
