my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize