i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize