I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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