All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
