dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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