so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
