I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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