what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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