if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
