When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
