Moan for me like Helen Keller
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
