woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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